Fucked up creativity

Why is it that creativity can be so difficult? Sometimes you can feel the bubbly feeling fill your body, but then it turns out to be impossible to get it out. To convert it to something concrete.

You try to write a poem. It doesn't work. You try to write a song. It doesn't work. You try to paint. It doesn't work. And on it goes.

It's the most frustrating thing in the entire world. Sometimes you even find the tool to use. You know what shape it's going to be. You know the theme. And still you can't seem to put it together.

The motivation slowly disappears as the crappy results make their entrance. You know, while you're creating, that what you're making is shit. And you know, you can feel it in your gut, that right now you can make something grand. But somehow you can't connect. You try every trick you know of, and even some you've never even heard of, in an attempt to trigger the key and unleash the beautiful beast inside of you. You even leave it all, only to return and realise that nothing has changed. The need to create is growing, and the ability to do so, is slowly decreasing. With this comes anger and frustration, not to forget the restlessness, and in the end you end up with nothing, but exhaustion.

This rollercoaster ride is a mild form of torture, and it's a ride you have to take all on your own. You can invite people to join in, but they can only keep you companied while you ride it. Alone.

There are no choice involved in this. You can not choose not to take the ride. And when you get on, you never know what is going to happen. You might end up with a great work of art or a masterpiece of music. You just never know.

If you got this kind of creativity in you, you now exactly what I am talking about. And you know how strong it is. When it kicks in, it surpasses the need to eat or sleep. It's just like a drug. A strange kind of drug. You never now whether it will bring you up or down. If the trip will be like an orgasm or a nightmare.

People that don't have this, doesn't quite understand why so many artists use drugs and alcohol. If you are one of those who understands what I'm talking about, you understand this as well. That doesn't mean that every creative person out there uses drugs, but he/she probably know why some do. So how 'bout it? Have you ever taken the ride?